My Story, Dark Angel.© [feedback wanted.] *NEW FIRST PAGE!*

[deanne]

IMPORTANT NOTE.
I HAVE DECIDED TO DELETE THE STORY FOR SAFTEY REASONS; AS I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO PRINT IT. I HAVE DELETED MY STORY FROM PAGES 9, 17, 26 AND 32 ALSO.
LATLEY I HAVE BEEN RESERCHING PUBLISHERS, AND I FOUND AN IMPORTANT BIT OF INFORMATION.
READ IT HERE:
http://www.beaniekids.com/bkforum/index.php/topic,69997.0.html
DUE TO THIS, I WILL NOT BE ADDING ANYMORE STORY TO THIS PAGE. FEEL FREE TO COMMENT SAYING YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECIVE PM UPDATES. C:

[poniesrule]

Love it Dee.
Read it before, opinion has not changed.

[deanne]

Oh right :p

I totaly forgot I'd given you a sneak-preview :p

You should feel honoured.

[storm4eva]

it great. write more!

[deanne]

Awr thanks

I'm actually writing some right now xD

[poniesrule]

Oh right :p

I totaly forgot I'd given you a sneak-preview :p

You should feel honoured.

I.DO

[deanne]

:p

And btw, 2 people have replied saying its good, nobody else has commented,
I'm gettign the vibe its' horrible....

[storm4eva]

:p

And btw, 2 people have replied saying its good, nobody else has commented,
I'm gettign the vibe its' horrible....

its great

[deanne]

its great

Thanks...

[storm4eva]

Thanks...

please write more soon

[polar cola]

ARGH! I love it! But I hate the cliff-hanger.
I wanna know what's wrong with her.

AWSOME STORY!

[deanne]

please write more soon

I'll post it tonight or tomorrow

ARGH! I love it! But I hate the cliff-hanger.
I wanna know what's wrong with her.

AWSOME STORY!

Haha thats the way its SUPPOSED to be xD
Awr, thanks(:

[storm4eva]

I'll post it tonight or tomorrow
Haha thats the way its SUPPOSED to be xD
Awr, thanks(:

yay

[polar cola]

Haha thats the way its SUPPOSED to be xD
Awr, thanks(:

Lol, I know.
Our writing teacher is always like, "Remember the climax! And the cliffhanger!"  I'm like, "Yep, sure."

No problem.

[Xx_Maku_xX]

This is really good.

I can't wait for more.

[kelsey199648]

Pure Awesomeeness  Dee xx. I cant wait for the next part!

[smileitlooksgoodonyou]

Wow, that is awesome!
i mean..really awesome

You have so much talent Dee!
I can't wait to hear more!
I love it how you have shown each persons point of view!

[deanne]

yay

=D

Lol, I know.
Our writing teacher is always like, "Remember the climax! And the cliffhanger!"  I'm like, "Yep, sure."

No problem.

xD

This is really good.

I can't wait for more.

Awr, thanks

[deanne]

Pure Awesomeeness  Dee xx. I cant wait for the next part!

I'm just finishing the Jays part nowz...shall add soonish xD

Wow, that is awesome!
i mean..really awesome

You have so much talent Dee!
I can't wait to hear more!
I love it how you have shown each persons point of view!

Haha.
Sorry but I just had to laugh out loud at the bold bit.

Thanks, I kinda copied that idea from a book I'm currently reading. :p

[Billy96]

O-M-G
that is so great
ive been writing a story for about 2 yrs now (i would hav more but i lost about 3000 words in a computer error, it was so annoying)
any way my point is it is amazing
i lov it so much
keep on writing
(by the way, ive read a book with it from different peoples point of views i wonder if it is the same book
the book im talkin about is called North Child)

[cow_luvers]

Coolios I Enjoyed It

[Billy96]

i cant get over how amazing it is

[lizzie7896]

awesome story dee. =D

[Random_Peace]

It's awesome well done dee! You should write heaps more!

[puppie_rock45]

Haaiiiiiiizzzz.

I'm currently writing a story, its not finished yet-I've barley even started on it, but I'd like your opinion. (:

Give your honest opinion, I understand if you dislike my story it could be for many reasons, I accept that & move on, only registering the positive comments, and disregarding the negative.

Its unnamed; so title suggestions would be helpful(:

1;
Jay

I turned around, wondering when the others would finish their four hundred-metre freestyle. Taylor swam by so fast I jumped. “Way to gimme a heart attack.” I muttered. Taylor smiled, as if he had heard what I said. While we waited for the rest of the group to finish, I reached up to get my drink bottle, “Can you get mine?” Taylor inquired. My heart started beating faster and I gulped.
Had he just talked to me? Oh God…Oh, God! I knew it would happen someday…but…I just wasn’t ready. I mean, what if I said something stupid? What if I kept babbling on idiotically? What if-Oh, stop it! I told myself sternly. Whatever you say, even if you do babble nonsense won ‘t he ignore it? He was decent enough to ignore that I ran into a poll right in front of him yesterday…
 I smiled. “Sure. Which one is it?” Taylor smiled.
 “The Carlton one.” My heart sank. How could someone who’s so hot, like a team that’s so…not? “Carlton .” I told him. Taylor laughed, I saw my friends-who knew that I like him-raise an eyebrow at me, one of them mouthed ‘You made him laugh? Waydda go!’. I sighed inwardly. I don’t see why they always encouraged me to talk to him. I wasn’t right for him. He was…so out of my legage, as many people had already informed me. Taylor stopped laughing. “Well, maybe they are pretty ,” he admitted, “But at least we don’t have Barry Hall.” He grinned. Hey! How did he know I went for the Sydney Swans? Oh well, Hall was apparently up for trades anyway. Before I could say anything, but, a roaring pain exploded through my bowel. I grimaced, resisted the urge to clutch my tummy and cry, instead went on listening to my coach. Taylor glanced at me, a worried expression pased through his face so fast I couldn’t be sure if he noticed my pain. I handed him the bottle, our fingers touched a spark of electricy flew throught my body, leaving tingles. I gasped, so did Taylor. I looked at him for a moment longer, then sensed the blood rushing to my cheeks. I turned around.
Tilly swam towards me, “You alright?” she whispered. Had it had been that ovbious? Well, great. The whole world doesn’t have to know, does it? “Uh…Kinda…” I muttered.
She frowned. “Not helpful, Jay.”
“I’ve got some pain in my bowel.” I told her, escept I said it real low, so nobody except Tilly could hear. Tilly frowned, “Cramps?” she asked. Well, it did seem logical, but if I remember properly the bowel was the word used to describe the digestive system, and not the lower stomach-were cramps usually were. Or was it? Oh great. Now I’ve confused myself. “Uh, no. I think its..” Our coach cleared his throat and glared at us.
“Problem, girls?”
“Yes.” Tilly said, “No” I said at the exact same time. The rest of the group smothered giggles. Except Taylor he kept glancing at me, sheepishly. Suddenly I felt very dizzy, I felt weak-I didn’t feel myself. I wished that the lesson were over.  I looked longingly towards the clock on pool deck, surely it had been one and a half-hours by now? I sighed. Still fifteen minutes to go. Well,  ! I’d already made a complete idiot of myself, twice. First, I’d done a backstroke to breaststroke turn and bashed into the wall, then I’d dived in and hit my head on the ground. It was totally and utterly embarrassing. Especially when Taylor was right there watching everything! Gah! The things he probably thought I was… Well, I guess I couldn’t do anything about it. He probably didn’t even like me. I mean, every time we touch its like millions of electric sparks fly through my body, but I think I just might be exaggerating the truth… Then when I look at him…it’s like hes the only one in the room. Him and only him-nobody else except us.
“Jay!,” My coach barked, “Were you listening to anything I just said?” Nope. Nothing. I thought. “Yeah, you were um saying we gotta do that thing were we swim and yeah…” Hmmm, not the most convincing statement of my life but it’d have to do. My coach glared at me, “Everyone can do four hundred metre warm down, except Jay, shes going to do an eight hundred metre.” My coach grinned in an almost evil manner, his smile showed unusually sharp, pointed teeth. Hmm, weird. I thought only… “Now, Jay!” my coach demanded.
I hurriedly pushed off the wall and swam my laps, but I couldn’t concentrate on my strokes. I couldn’t concentrate on doing anything except grimacing at the pain in my lower stomach. It was an unbearable, wretched, inadmissible pain. I couldn’t ignore it, and I couldn’t make it go away. No matter how hard I bit the inside of my cheek or gritted my teeth, it just wouldn’t go away.
At the end of my four-hundred-metre I was spluttering and gasping for breath like…well, something that hadn’t taken a breath for a reallllllly long time. “Jay..” Louie-aka Coach- asked, frowning.
“I’m…f-f-fine...” I managed to splutter. Louie nodded but bit his lip and gave Taylor a long, hard stare. Taylor regarded the stare with his lips shut so tightly that they turned white and a deep frown, that made his forehead wrinkle like an elderly persons’ would.
Weird, that was. What had Taylor done to deserve such a cold stare?

Taylor;

Watching Jay almost whither in pain is not a pretty sight. And Louies’ hard stare didn’t help much, either. I told him I’d tell Jay when I was one hundred per cent certain it couldn’t be fixed; that it was life or death for her. Looks like Louie was telling me that the time was now. That if I didn’t tell her, she’d die. And trust me, as if I wanted my soulmate to die.



Thanks guys

Deexx

please please please x100 keep going!!!i'd love to read more its awsome!!please keep going
-begs-