My Story-please look and comment-

[anna97]

Blurb
I sat quietly under my favourite tree staring at everything, like I always do at my  sister’s parties. But this party is different. It’s going to change my life. Forever!


Dear Diary
I’m sitting quietly under my favourite tree and staring at everything, like I always do at my  sister’s parties. But this party’s different. For the first time in my entire life someone is approaching me!! Someone HOT!!!….. ! He’s here, standing right next to me and I can’t believe it, he’s sitting down! I have to go.
Bye

I slammed my diary shut in the hope he didn’t read any of it. ”So” he said, ”Your Hayley’s little sister”. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. How embarrassing I thought, there’s a really hot guy sitting next to you and all you do it open and close your mouth like a stupid fish!! I was about to try again when he placed his fingers on my lips and said in a voice that sounded like the ocean “ I know what your thinking, why are you talking to me at my sisters party?” I nodded. “ Well” he said “ I only agreed to come because I knew you would be here” I was shocked, most people didn’t even know I existed and this guy ,correction, hot guy who I didn’t even know had come to my sisters party for me!? He nodded, like he knew exactly what I was thinking and then something I never thought would ever happen to me, did. He leant in to kiss me and without even thinking about it I did too. His lips were soft and perfect for kissing and the feeling I got from this one kiss that lasted less then 3 seconds was sensational. Before I could even ask him who he was he got up and ran away from me and towards the party.


and Comments just not to harsh
and  anything i could improve on is welcome

[fubble]

Awsome ........ I stuffed my story up -eke-

[anna97]

Awsome ........ I stuffed my story up -eke-

Thanks
awww

[momoandio]

Aweshome story can't wait to read more

[Tuala_94]

Sounds pretty good so far ..

More coming?

[anna97]

thanks guys

there sure is more coming

[momoandio]

Great Story Anna

[Rani_B_Bear]

ooh! ooh! when can we hear more? It sounds really cool! Cant wait!

[deanne]

My corrections & thoughtrs are in red.

Blurb
I sat quietly under my favourite tree staring at everything, like I always do at my  sister’s parties. But this party is different. It’s going to change my life. Forever!


Dear Diary
I’m sitting quietly under my favourite tree and staring at everything,hmm...i don't like how you changed from a Diary format to First Person. It would make more sense if you just wrote it in first person. e.g. "I'm sitting quietly under my favourite tree and staring at everything, like I always do at my sisters parties. But this party's different for the first time in my entire life -a guy- is approching me! Someone...hot! He comes up to me and stands beside me. Theres an akward silence. etc like I always do at my  sister’s parties. But this party’s different. For the first time in my entire life someone is approaching me!! Someone HOT!!!….. ! He’s here, standing right next to me and I can’t believe it, he’s sitting down! I have to go.
Bye

I slammed my diary shut in the hope he didn’t read any of it. ”So” he said, ”Your Hayley’s little sister”. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. How embarrassing I thought, there’s a really hot guy sitting next to you and all you do it open and close your mouth like a stupid fish!!i really like that that-its worded perfectly. I was about to try again when he placed his fingers on my lips and said in a voice that sounded like the ocean “ I know what your thinking, why are you talking to me at my sisters party?” I nodded.
space “ Well,” he said, “ I only agreed to come because I knew you would be here” I was shocked, most people didn’t even know I existed and this guy ,correction, hot guy who I didn’t even know had come to my sisters party for me!? He nodded, like he knew exactly what I was thinking i get the impression that he is a mind-reader and this is a fantasy-type story. Am I correct?and then something I never thought would ever happen to me, did. He leant in to kiss me and without even thinking about it I did too.  why would a strange guy randomly kiss a girl at a party and then walk off? Don't make any sense to me at all. His lips were soft and perfect for kissing and the feeling I got from this one kiss that lasted less then 3 seconds was sensational. Before I could even ask him who he was he got up and ran away from me and towards the party.


and Comments just not to harsh
and  anything i could improve on is welcome

Well overall I enjoyed it, but I'm not thrilled about it. I think you need to re-draft it and re-word it a bit.

[did my comment seem too harsh? read:
http://www.beaniekids.com/bkforum/index.php/topic,70802.0.html]

[anna97]

My corrections & thoughtrs are in red.

Well overall I enjoyed it, but I'm not thrilled about it. I think you need to re-draft it and re-word it a bit.

[did my comment seem too harsh? read:
http://www.beaniekids.com/bkforum/index.php/topic,70802.0.html]

well for therandom guy part you will find outlater

[deanne]

cool. =]

[koala189]

awsome

[Keke1]

I need to read it!
Sounds interesting....

[Tess96]

Great story!
I love it so far but just a suggestion, maybe you could put the diary entry in italics or bold or a different colour?
Cos it would stand out more then and you would be able to tell it apart from the rest of the story.
Also, there was a lot of tention in there to make you want to read on and find out what happens next, which is an excellent thing for someone to say about someone else's writing!   

[Dani_The_King_Of_Crocs]

Thats really really good Anna! Well done!

[deanne]

Great story!
I love it so far but just a suggestion, maybe you could put the diary entry in italics or bold or a different colour?
Cos it would stand out more then and you would be able to tell it apart from the rest of the story.
Also, there was a lot of tention tension in there to make you want to read on and find out what happens next, which is an excellent thing for someone to say about someone else's writing!   

I just had to point that out.

[Tess96]

I just had to point that out.

Whoops, sorry.
Typo...