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Dani_The_King_Of_Crocs
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« on: February 19, 2010, 07:06:27 AM » |
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Hey Guys! Okay here is a paragraph of the first chapter of my story. Cold Hearted They started as friends and ended of enemies. Chapter 1 ‘Oh hey Yasmin!’ I called running across to her. ‘Hey Steph,’ Yasmin said as I skidded in front of her, ‘I’m…..I’m not going to be playing with you today Steph. I’m playing with Mia.' She walked off and left me standing there, puzzled. ‘Steph!’ someone had called my name. I turned around to see one of my closet friends, Summer. ‘Summer!’ I raced over to her, ‘Something’s up with Yasmin and I don’t like it’ I said in a soft voice. ‘I’ve never trusted her,’ Summer said shrugging her shoulders, ‘just don’t worry about her’. We walked to class, me thinking of what Yasmin might be up to. ‘She doesn’t know who I like….’ Steph thought, ‘that’s always a good sign.'
Summer, Lilly and I were all in history class with Mr. Wollie boring us all to death. ‘Hey Lilly!’ I whispered to her. ‘Can you play with Yasmin today to find out some information?’ I asked her. ‘Of course!’ The bell rang and Lilly sped off, out of the classroom. Summer and I walked more slowly outside and sat on the bench to eat recess. ‘Lilly will find out what’s wrong’ I said to Summer. ‘Of course she will. Yasmin would tell Lilly ANYTHING’ Summer agreed. We got up and walked around the school talking about Yasmin. ‘She’s in love with Mia’ I said sarcastically. ‘Yeah, she can’t keep her hands off her!’ Summer said, nodding her head.
Recess had finished and Mr. Wollie had us for science. ‘What did Yasmin say Lil?’ I asked eagerly. ‘Well….’ Lilly hesitated. ‘Spill!’ I whispered. ‘She said…’ Lilly took a deep breath and blurted out. ‘She said Summer is nosy and Steph has a big head’ I gasped. This was no way to talk about me and my friend! ‘Last year…’ Summer had started to speak. ‘What did she say Summer?’ My eyes widened, eager to know what this back-stabbing person had said. ‘Well she said you both have big heads…and Mia is a show off’ ‘WHAT?!’ I had said loudly enough for Mr. Wollie to hear. He came over to our table. ‘Something more important to disscuss then how a tree grows, girls?’ he asked in his dull tone. ‘No sir’ My face went red as I was embaressed. We had to be separated for the rest of the lesson so we couldn’t talk. The bell rang. LUNCH TIME!
‘Why does she even PRETEND to like us if she hates us?’ I asked Lilly. ‘Dunno’ Lilly shrugged. ‘Lilly!’ Yasmin was standing in front of us. ‘What?’ Lilly asked. ‘Could I talk to you for a minute?’ She grabbed Lilly by the arm and took her behind the building. ‘And she says we can’t tell secrets’ I murmed through gritted teeth. I just felt like punching Yasmin, and telling her I hate her , but I knew; She would deny everything. Lilly and Yasmin had come back, ‘Lilly is playing with me!’ Yasmin reported as soon as she stopped in front of us. I gasped, Yasmin couldn’t make choices for Lilly! ‘Do you want to play with Yasmin, Lilly?’ I asked her with my eyebrows raised. Lilly was my best friend and Yasmin was stealing her. ‘Y-yes’ she stammered after a few moments. There was hidden fear in her voice. Now I knew Yasmin had threatened Lilly to play with her! They walked off, Lilly turning around to look at us with dread and confussion in her expression. I winked at her. Yasmin could do no harm. Thats all for now. Danixx
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« Last Edit: February 21, 2010, 02:16:19 PM by Dani_The_King_Of_Crocs »
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Caity.and.Ash.I.L.Y <3
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bkfan1000
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« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2010, 04:27:15 PM » |
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Cool,Dani!
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The inner mechanisms of my mind are a engima... ♥
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Dani_The_King_Of_Crocs
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« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2010, 06:47:20 PM » |
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Okay! First Paragraph is up! 
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Caity.and.Ash.I.L.Y <3
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Luna_Ripple
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« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2010, 06:48:15 PM » |
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WRITE MORE =D
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I_Want_to_Be_a_VAMPiRE
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« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2010, 06:51:17 PM » |
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Love it. But every person speaks on a new line.
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Jeremy Shepard <33 You! I love you... And even If you don't love me, you have a piece of my heart forever. <33
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Dani_The_King_Of_Crocs
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« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2010, 06:51:45 PM » |
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WRITE MORE =D
You like? Love it. But every person speaks on a new line.
what do you mean?
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Caity.and.Ash.I.L.Y <3
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puppie_rock45
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« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2010, 06:54:18 PM » |
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really good Dani 
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Dani_The_King_Of_Crocs
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« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2010, 06:54:36 PM » |
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Thanx Ash!
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Caity.and.Ash.I.L.Y <3
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puppie_rock45
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« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2010, 06:56:51 PM » |
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i love the name! 
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Dani_The_King_Of_Crocs
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« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2010, 06:57:59 PM » |
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Yeah so do I...
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Caity.and.Ash.I.L.Y <3
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Luna_Ripple
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« Reply #11 on: February 20, 2010, 06:59:07 PM » |
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‘Oh hey Yasmin!’ I called running across to her. ‘Hey Steph,’ Yasmin said as I skidded in front of her, ‘I’m…..I’m not going to be playing with you today Steph. I’m playing with Mia.' She walked off and left me standing there, puzzled. ‘Steph!’ someone had called my name. I turned around to see one of my closet friends, Summer. ‘Summer!’ I raced over to her, ‘Something’s up with Yasmin and I don’t like it’ I said in a soft voice. ‘I’ve never trusted her,’ Summer said shrugging her shoulders, ‘just don’t worry about her’. We walked to class, me thinking of what Yasmin might be up to. ‘She doesn’t know who I like….’ Steph thought, ‘that’s always a good sign’.
Edited Version =)
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Dani_The_King_Of_Crocs
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« Reply #12 on: February 20, 2010, 07:03:54 PM » |
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Oh okay cool thanx Luna!!
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Caity.and.Ash.I.L.Y <3
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Luna_Ripple
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« Reply #13 on: February 20, 2010, 07:08:23 PM » |
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It's alright! I'll be your editor!
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Dani_The_King_Of_Crocs
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« Reply #14 on: February 20, 2010, 07:09:53 PM » |
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Okay cool thanx!
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Caity.and.Ash.I.L.Y <3
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I_Want_to_Be_a_VAMPiRE
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« Reply #15 on: February 20, 2010, 07:17:42 PM » |
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You like? what do you mean?
Like : "Hi isabelle!" Clary said. "Hi Clary." Isabelle Said.
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Jeremy Shepard <33 You! I love you... And even If you don't love me, you have a piece of my heart forever. <33
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Dani_The_King_Of_Crocs
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« Reply #16 on: February 21, 2010, 08:21:42 AM » |
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Like :
"Hi isabelle!" Clary said. "Hi Clary." Isabelle Said.
You mean I should do that? Or I do do that?
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Caity.and.Ash.I.L.Y <3
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I_Want_to_Be_a_VAMPiRE
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« Reply #17 on: February 21, 2010, 09:46:33 AM » |
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That how it's Done, Yes. But you can do it like you've been doing it, It's just that it makes it easier to read.
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Jeremy Shepard <33 You! I love you... And even If you don't love me, you have a piece of my heart forever. <33
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Dani_The_King_Of_Crocs
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« Reply #18 on: February 21, 2010, 09:53:03 AM » |
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Oh okay. Thanx for the tip!
Will write more today!
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Caity.and.Ash.I.L.Y <3
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bkfan1000
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« Reply #19 on: February 21, 2010, 09:56:08 AM » |
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Real nice!Write lots more!Also,can you read my story?It's called Young Heart
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The inner mechanisms of my mind are a engima... ♥
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Dani_The_King_Of_Crocs
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« Reply #20 on: February 21, 2010, 09:57:37 AM » |
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Thank-you Caity. I'll see if I can find it 
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Caity.and.Ash.I.L.Y <3
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Dani_The_King_Of_Crocs
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« Reply #21 on: February 21, 2010, 10:38:59 AM » |
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Added second paragraph!
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Caity.and.Ash.I.L.Y <3
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puppie_rock45
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« Reply #22 on: February 21, 2010, 10:49:30 AM » |
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really good  don't forget to sort of introduce how old she is and if there in primary and stuff, so try and put that in without changing the subject 
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Dani_The_King_Of_Crocs
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« Reply #23 on: February 21, 2010, 10:51:00 AM » |
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I dont think I really can...... I'll try anyway.
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Caity.and.Ash.I.L.Y <3
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puppie_rock45
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« Reply #24 on: February 21, 2010, 10:59:42 AM » |
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well for example if she was 10 you could say this: I'm ten, in Primary school and struggleing with boy's? gosh, no wonder people say we grow up to fast.  thats just an examle 
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