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Selenabeanie
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« on: July 17, 2010, 04:35:43 PM » |
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"Hollykit!!! Riverkit!!!!!! Mousekit!!!" yowled a orange tortershell qween " Calm done Frostpelt I'm sure the kits will be okay." replied a brown tom "How can you be so sure Duststorm!" replied Frostpelt. The bramble bushes opened up horrified gasps came from the cats "The KITS!" cried frostfur "Attack the fox" yowled a black tom "No attack needed Shadowshine" replied the fox. Speckilkit woke to find the nest epmty Were is Mum She tought. She scrambled onto her feet and padded across the nursey making sure not to be seen bye Cinderpool a nursey queen mother of Shadowshine's kit's Lillykit, Heatherkit and Flamekit. She padded out of the nursey and saw her best friends Silverkit and Featherkit playing mossball. "How come you diddn't wake me up to play" Speckilkit demanded "You looked like you need more sleep after your big hunt" replied Featherkit Speckilkit remberd yesterday when she had wanderd out of Ember clan camp to hunt she had caught a mouse and was very proud of herself. Something bowled her over inturrupting her thoughts "Get off me" squeaked Speckilkit "A good warrior is always alert" explained Silverkit. The brambles in front of the camp started to move Speckilkit caught the sent of Frost Clan all there kits bristled tails fluffed out. earthtail a dusky brown tom ran out bleeding heavly Mosstar the clan leader came running out followed close behind By LionFlair her deputy "Whats going on" deamed Mosstar her voice was stern "Please help Mosstar Dew clan is attcking We need emberclans help" Speckilkit=Me Silverkit=Melissa Featherkit=Mae should I write more?  |
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dragon_girl_dani
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« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2010, 04:42:46 PM » |
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Its alright, but the structre needs a bit of work. Also, you need to work on your puntacation....like full stops and question marks and stuff. But other wise its pretty good (:
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Selenabeanie
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« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2010, 04:45:37 PM » |
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wha do ya mean structure?
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Selenabeanie
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« Reply #3 on: July 17, 2010, 04:47:13 PM » |
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the top bit is proluge the bottom bit is story story
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dragon_girl_dani
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« Reply #4 on: July 17, 2010, 04:49:16 PM » |
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like how it is set out......For example, from where it says the brambles in front of the camp moved, you could start a new line. and you could start a new line for where the stroy actually starts......im not trying to be mean, just giving you tips.
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Selenabeanie
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« Reply #5 on: July 17, 2010, 06:33:21 PM » |
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no probs i need all the help
im sorry i forget these things other than that yeah
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PuppyLuv
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« Reply #6 on: July 17, 2010, 06:37:26 PM » |
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when there is someone speaking, and then another speaks, put it like this; "Tigerfrost!" Rabbitfoot yowled. "Help!" "I'm coming, Rabbitfoot!" Tigerfrost replied. (that made up  ) my point is; If there is a new person speaking, put it on a new line. |
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Call me Elizabeth please :]
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Selenabeanie
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« Reply #7 on: July 17, 2010, 06:46:33 PM » |
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okay  ur gonna help me with naplan nxt year lol |
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PuppyLuv
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« Reply #8 on: July 17, 2010, 07:50:45 PM » |
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LOL k
I did it this year. Its BORING
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Call me Elizabeth please :]
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Selenabeanie
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« Reply #9 on: July 18, 2010, 10:40:53 AM » |
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wat grade u in ??
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PuppyLuv
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« Reply #10 on: July 18, 2010, 10:48:21 AM » |
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5
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Call me Elizabeth please :]
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Selenabeanie
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« Reply #11 on: July 18, 2010, 11:58:04 AM » |
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im 6
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PuppyLuv
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« Reply #12 on: July 18, 2010, 11:59:32 AM » |
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O.o (Awkward)
I wanna be year six... THEN I'd be in the same year as..... -starts drooling-
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Call me Elizabeth please :]
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Selenabeanie
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« Reply #13 on: July 18, 2010, 12:34:30 PM » |
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Selenabeanie
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« Reply #14 on: July 29, 2010, 07:48:58 PM » |
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PuppyLuv
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« Reply #15 on: July 29, 2010, 08:18:44 PM » |
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Ohh yes. He's sooo dreamy |
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Call me Elizabeth please :]
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Selenabeanie
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« Reply #16 on: August 04, 2010, 07:23:21 AM » |
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hehe
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